Dear Family, Friends, and Loved Ones,

By virtue of the twenty-four months (mind boggling isńt it?) accumulated of toil, work, SUN, bug bites and incredible joy in the service of the Lord, the Missionary Committee has decreed that the time has come for these calloused, blistered, tired and DIRTY feet to take a rest. The un-assigned Elder, clothed in out-of-style rags, tanned on his neck from the collar up, but full of love for the gospel, will soon take his place again in the wicked Gentile world.

In making preparation to welcome the aforementioned Elder into the organized society, it is advised to keep in mind the different environment that has influenced his life for the past two years.

One would be advised to stock his kitchen with an abundance of the following: chocolate, ice cream, soft sandwich bread, 2% milk (not 32%), Doritos, salad (with crunchy Chinese noodles and ranch dressing), microwave anything, Big Gulp/Slurpee (anything cold), M&Ḿs, Snickers.... well, I think you get the idea. Dispose of any sign of rice, pasta with tomato sauce, dry hard breads, RICE, greasy soup, hot milk, RICE, and all undistinguishable meats. While you are at it, just dispose of all grease. Try to be understanding when he refuses half cooked eggs or greasy spaghetti. Do not take it personally if he looks through all food for flies, ants or animal hair. Above all, do not ask him to cook native dishes for you for the first few months.

Please do not be disturbed when he wears thongs in the shower, forgets to flush the toilet paper and instead throws it in the trash can, wears the same shirt and tie for a week, and eats with both arms on the table to be polite. Offense should not be taken when he looks for ants in the sugar, washes the dishes in cold water, carries toilet paper wherever he goes, or eats his food in 30 seconds flat to run off to an appointment. This poor exhausted man will probably run and scream should anyone mention Gamma Globulin shots, skin lice, fleas, heat, mud, dog packs, or crowded buses.

For the first few weeks until he finds himself and gets over jetlag and culture shock, be understanding of his broken English. If he slips into Spanish, a simple request for a translation will be sufficient.

Take into consideration his “condition” when he calls you “Elder” or “Hermana” and insists that it is a rule not to tell you his first name. Do not be bothered if he says “permiso” before entering or leaving a room, sticks his arm out to stop a bus and carries his scriptures with extra copies of the Book of Mormon everywhere he goes.

Do not ask why his only topic of conversation is Uruguay and missionary work, or think him a religious fanatic when he preaches to utter strangers in the street. Do not be embarrassed when he says “chao” to everyone he sees, hugs every man he meets, and even kisses the women on the cheek every once in a while.

You are hereby warned and duly cautioned to treat the newly delivered missionary with great care, courtesy, and affection. Humor him in every way. Remain calm when he jumps out of bed at 6:00 am to study and to beat his companion to the shower. Please have the bathtub ready with lots of hot water, bubbles, and a large, soft downy towel for his first bath in two years (also soft toilet paper would be appropriate). He is used to being with a companion 24 hours a day so do not be alarmed if he follows you around and wants to have comp study and prayer together. He will definitely show a great tendency to shake hands when meeting and parting.
He will surely be suffering from “Latinitis” (an extreme love for the Latin people). So please, try to understand when he gets that far-away look in his eyes and tears brim and he quietly excuses himself from the room. He will be thinking of that far-away land and people that he has grown to love, who have changed his life. But, broken hearts can mend with lots of love, hugs, and broiled bagels with cream cheese. And with a little patience, kindness and time, he will once again resemble the pre-mission specimen that you once knew.

Send no more mail to this address, THIS IS IT PEOPLE.........
HÉS COMING HOME!!!